Growing up, I was a good kid.
Here’s what happens when you’re a good kid: You’re trusted, you’re respected, and you’re encouraged. It means you can get away with a lot, because you’ve earned a long leash from the adults around you. And eventually, you come to think that you’re fine just the way you are.
Now there was enough brokenness within my childhood (some of the effects of which I’m just beginning to experience) that kept me from thinking I was a perfect person. In fact, I knew I was a perfectly average person, and I was content with that. But religiously speaking, I thought I had it made.
I believed in God. I went to mass throughout my childhood, mostly willingly. I always aced my religion classes in the Catholic grammar school I went to through 8th grade. I always went to confession before Christmas and Easter, and I always felt great after I confessed my sins. By the time I got my driver’s license, I was going to mass on my own on Sundays. I made it a habit during my freshman year of college. Granted, I would often see the same people I was getting drunk with on Saturday at Mass on Sunday, but I still figured I was doing what God wanted.
I was a good student, I didn’t hurt anyone, I tried to be kind to everyone, I went to church, prayed sometimes… I was a good kid. And that was my theology. Why should their have been anymore then that? Of course I believed Jesus died and rose. Who didn’t believe that?
“Cafeteria Catholic” is common parlance for a semi-practicing Catholic who picks and chooses what they believe and how they live. This was me, and I never knew it. I blamed it on never being catechized (being taught the faith) properly. Faithful Catholics who I’ve dialogued with over the years see the cause of my spiritual lethargy as me alone, since I never pursued faithful living on my own, despite the many tools at my disposal for doing so (priests who were family friends, Catholic school, etc).
Whatever the case, I went through religious motions for 19 years. And those religious motions were reinforced again and again, because surely my being such a good kid proved my religious convictions. I mean, I even thought about becoming a priest!
The truth was that I was a mediocre Catholic and mediocre person overall, and I was content with it. I had no reason to believe there was anything more than that, until the next theological progression unfolded.
3 questions, in summary:
1. Who was I? Affirmed for being a good person, not a troublemaker, but very insecure. Always wanting a “fresh start” somewhere. Got that fresh start in college.
2. Who was God? He existed, he was benevolent, I was glad for the good things he gave to me. Yet he was far and impersonal. I thought he would be pleased with the way I was living my life.
3. How were those around me affected? People knew I went to church and practiced my religion. I may have been labeled holy or a hypocrite by those around me depending on my behavior at the time.
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